As we kick off YL with our first club on Wednesday I am thinking of this poem...it's one of my favorites.

I Stand by the Door by Sam Shoemaker
I stand by the door. I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out, The door is the most important door in the world- It is the door through which people walk when they find God. There's no use my going way inside, and staying there, When so many are still outside and they, as much as I, Crave to know where the door is. And all that so many ever find Is only the wall where a door ought to be. They creep along the wall like blind people, With outstretched, groping hands. Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door, Yet they never find it ... So I stand by the door.
The most tremendous thing in the world Is for people to find that door--the door to God. The most important thing any person can do Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands, And put it on the latch--the latch that only clicks And opens to the person's own touch. People die outside that door, as starving beggars die On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter— Die for want of what is within their grasp. They live, on the other side of it--live because they have not found it. Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it, And open it, and walk in, and find Him ... So I stand by the door.
Go in, great saints, go all the way in-- Go way down into the cavernous cellars, And way up into the spacious attics-- It is a vast roomy house, this house where God is. Go into the deepest of hidden casements, Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood. Some must inhabit those inner rooms. And know the depths and heights of God, And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is. Sometimes I take a deeper look in, Sometimes venture in a little farther; But my place seems closer to the opening ... So I stand by the door.
There is another reason why I stand there. Some people get part way in and become afraid Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them For God is so very great, and asks all of us. And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia, And want to get out. "Let me out!" they cry, And the people way inside only terrify, them more. Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled For the old life, they have seen too much: Once taste God, and nothing but God will do any more. Somebody must be watching for the frightened Who seek to sneak out just where they came in, To tell them how much better it is inside. The people too far in do not see how near these are To leaving--preoccupied with the wonder of it all. Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door, But would like to run away. So for them, too, I stand by the door.
I admire the people who go way in. But I wish they would not forget how it was Before they got in. Then they would be able to help The people who have not, yet even found the door, Or the people who want to run away again from God, You can go in too deeply, and stay in too long, And forget the people outside the door. As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place, Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there, But not so far from people as not to hear them, And remember they are there, too. Where? Outside the door-- Thousands of them, millions of them. But--more important for me-- One of them, two of them, ten of them, Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch. So I shall stand by the door and wait For those who seek it. "I had rather be a door-keeper ..." So I stand by the door.

You can all be a door-keeper in your own way. Blessings on you as you shine for Jesus this week!

Because I did a lot of complaining in my last email I decided to only write about thankful things today!

*I am thankful for a fun part of the country to live in with so many opportunities and adventures.

*I am thankful that I was offered a new place to live where I would pay half of what I am paying now...plus have an awesome roommate. (Still praying if that is where God wants me.)

*I am thankful for all the new YL contacts God has given me for YLWJ.

*I am thankful for the committee members and friends of YLWJ who have really taken me in.

*I am thankful for the amazing time I am having at PBU.

*I am thankful that Fall is just around the corner!!

*I am thankful that I have a job that I really enjoy.

*I am thankful for FUN kids to work with.

*I am thankful for a car and house that hardly ever give me any problems at all.

*I am thankful that my nose piercing is totally cute, very small and healed very quickly.

*I am thankful for my incredible family and friends who still love me even though they aren't in the same state as me.

*I am thankful for the grace, mercy and love I experience every day from my redeemer.

*I am thankful for you who care enough about me to read my blog.;)

Church rage. It is something I get a lot. You know how people get road rage (well, I get that too sometimes...lol) ? It's like that except directed at some churches. I was so upset on Sunday that I think I am going to try to find a new church.

Most of you know where I am attending church but just in case I don't want to post the name of it on here because I do not feel like it is right to totally bad-mouth this church. I mean, altogether it is a wonderful church and there are some people there who really love the Lord. After a year there of trying to make it my home though it still doesn't seem like a great fit. And Sunday I was sent over the edge.

I came in to church late. (As usual.) It was pretty full due to the 9/11 service and the kick off of the school year. I ended up sitting in the back row. Anyway, I noticed that I was sitting right by an usher because he was up helping when I came in and came and sat down by me when he was done. Well, you would think during "greeting" time he would have introduced himself, etc. since he had never seen me before and vice versa but he totally blew me off. Then about 15 mins. into the service his wife came in and he whispered to me, "Can you scoot over? Thanks!" And totally made me move so his wife could sit next to him. But the kicker is that there was an empty seat on the other side of him that was totally open and wasn't reserved for anybody. If he wanted his wife to not sit on the outside I don't know why he just didn't scoot over to that chair himself and let his wife have his seat. But, no, he asks me, a complete stranger to move. Then he talked to his wife through the whole service, and they rushed right out afterward. Nothing towards me at all. I was really hurt. To him I was a complete stranger and I can't believe that he would do that towards a stranger at church. I felt really rejected and frankly mad that he put the comfort of himself and wife over me, who really could have been a first time visitor to his church. I know I am being very picky about this but it totally got to me.

Other things bother me at some churches too...like when people sit on the ends of pews and don't scoot towards the middle for newcomers or people who come in late (because how would a first time church goer feel if they had to search for a seat and feel like all eyes were on them?), when people "save" seats and when people don't genuinely make others feel welcome and try to immediately include them.

I have tried to be a part of my church and it's just not working. Of course I am to blame for this as well. I have not gone consistently (due to my job) and I am not the most outgoing person either. But I have been there a year now and probably only know a handful of names. And frankly I don't think anyone would miss me if I moved on...which tells me it's time to move on. I would love for a church body here to be like my family and so far I haven't had that in NJ.

Do any of you ever get annoyed with some churches or get church rage yourself?

I'm back on the "other side" and have been for a week now. Crazy! I apologize for not posting for a while. I never seem to post that regularly, and then always promise myself that I'll become better at it. Then two weeks slip by and I notice that I need to update. Guess I'm just not that good of a blogger!! Maybe I'll get the hang of it sometime.;)

I flew back to NJ last Sunday. By the time I got back to my house it was very early Monday. That whole day was an adventure. My flights didn't go as planned (but that really turned out to be OK, gave me extra time in CA to hang out), I was feeling sick and I got pulled over on my way home. (He just wanted to see where I was headed...I was on a kinda rural road. No ticket and he had no reason to "get me" anyway...that whole thing was strange.) Then I ended up going to the ER at 4:30 in the morning. It's a long story but I'm OK and feel 100% better!

Then I went to Ocean Grove, NJ for a staff retreat. It was my first time to the Jersey shore. It was nice...but not like CA! And who knew one has to pay to actually go on the beach? (Or at least in Ocean Grove. Can someone say rip off?) Anyway, they have boardwalks there and games and what not. Kinda like Santa Cruz on crack. Cross the Fresno Fair with a huge boardwalk with Pismo beach and you've go the Jersey shore. It's fun and I'd like to go back. We stayed at a bed and breakfast and the time with staff was good. Who doesn't like hanging out with YL people?

Now I'm back in Flemington. I'm kind of having a tough time readjusting to being back, for several reasons, so please pray for me. I think this week will be tough as well.

But, I can't end this blog on a discouraging note! There is one "new" thing about me...and some would think it is "fun" although getting it done was not. Guess you'll have to see me to find out what it is!;) But I am still deciding if I will be keeping it or not!!