I was talking to my friend Kristin about this yesterday, and when I read my friend Hannah’s blog today I was reminded about how much this issue impacts my heart. It is the issue of relationships, particularly of those between men and women. Ahhhh, amore.

I just got done reading a book called Sacred Marriage, which I know I have mentioned earlier in my blog. Seriously, you NEED to read it, single or not. This book changed my life and has opened up my eyes to marriage and it has been wonderful. Anyway, it got me thinking even more about the subject of relationships, and particularly why God has me in the state I am now, which is that of being single.

I should mention here that while I would definitely prefer to be in a relationship, and to have a family someday, I really am OK being single. God has really provided for me and I have had many opportunities that I would not have had had I been married. (Although I’m sure that can be said as well vice versa.) And why do I want to be married? There are lots of reasons, but truly my number one reason is because I think it would better enable me to serve God and love others. Really. Someone once told me that you will see your worst sin when you are married. (The book talks a lot about that.) While that totally freaks me out, I want it very much. I want to be refined and I want to be able to grow from the wonderful/challenging/etc. relationship of marriage. It is a desire of my heart, and I don’t think that God would be cruel enough to place that there and then leave me hanging.

But yet sometimes I think I am still single because I am being punished. I am being punished for all the bad things I have done, for not being beautiful enough, for not being a certain size, for not being whatever. While I am content, I still wonder why God has me in this phase of life. Maybe that is the sinful part of me, the part that isn’t trusting in His will and His timing. I don’t know. It is a hard place to be sometimes.

I also get frustrated because I know of a lot of wonderful (and very pretty) women out there who have amazing hearts and love Jesus very much. But, because they don’t fit a worldly idea of beauty, they are often passed by. They are such gems and while this might be part of God’s plans for their lives, to wait for a bit, I often think it is because most Christian men are being sucked in to the very superficial teachings of the world. I have seen this happen firsthand several times over. This makes me very sad indeed.

Anyway, on a related note I am going back on a diet tomorrow. This seems to be the story of my life I’m afraid. And to be truthful I am doing it for superficial reasons. Sure it is a great thing to be healthy, to love your body and keep it at it’s best because it is a temple of God and we need to be good stewards of all that He gives us including food, but really I am doing it because I am feeling the pressure to fit into the world’s standards. Ugh, yet again.

This is me confessing to you that this is a struggle of mine.

Are there really good Christian men out there who will love me for what God designed me to be? Who will take me as I am no matter how I look, no matter what degrees I have, no matter what my job? Who will want to partner with me to love and serve others? Who will commit to helping me grow in Christ?

I am praying that I will be that way when I am a wife, and that my husband will have lots of grace.

I don’t need a man to complete me, or because I am occasionally lonely, etc. I know that marriage is not the answer for that. I am not looking to a man to be the answer to my longings or problems. God is all that and more. God is my soul mate.

I am just writing down the thoughts that are in my head. Your comments and prayers are appreciated.