Today I am frustrated. Jasmin is leaving tonight to Clovis in order to attend Clovis East starting tomorrow. I think that this is a wrong decision on her part and have expressed that to her, but at the same time I have to release her with my love knowing that God will be traveling with her.

This all began a week and a half ago when I had to sit Jasmin down and talk to her about the lie I uncovered. She had been lying to me all along - telling me she had done her physical in order to participate in track when she had not - which was her secret way of getting out of track (she hated track and didn't want to participate even though she had signed and agreed to do it - it was a condition of her coming here - that she would do an extracurricular activity such as a sport). She was not happy when I told her she had to honor her contract and get the physical, go to track, and be a part of the team (even though she made it clear to the coach she did not want to participate). I then talked to her about her grades which have ranged from poor to fair. There truly is no excuse to get such grades from KHS. Also, American schools are notoriously far easier then European schools - so there was no excuse. Plus, she came over here to go to school and improve her grades and so far she had not done a good job and I knew her parents weren't pleased. The last thing I talked to her about was her attitude. Jasmin is (obviously) from a different culture and on top of that from a big city so coming to Kingsburg meant that she couldn't be so abrupt and that she needed to stop being rude and soften her words. Many people have told me how Jasmin had come across negatively to them, and I had experienced it firsthand on a weekly basis. I wanted to help her realize how she was coming across, even if unintentionally, and how to change so that these last two months would be better. It was a hard talk to have with her, but I wanted to be honest and loving so that it could help her in the long run.

On Saturday Cheryl, who is the international organization's rep, came over and talked with Jasmin as well. We revisited a lot of the same subjects but also talked about her room and bathroom and the friend situation. Jasmin has her own room and bathroom and since she has been closing her doors I have not fought the battle of cleaning up with her. She just has to do a thorough cleaning the last weekend of every month. Now anyone who knows me should know that this was very hard for me to swallow as I like things picked up and presentable, but I really chose to pick my battles with her and knew the room and bathroom wasn't one worth picking. Well when Cheryl saw it (it floors me how Jasmin chose not to clean it before Cheryl came over) she told Jasmin her room and bathroom had to be clean from now on and that by her not cleaning it she is sending me a message of being disrespectful. Also, Cheryl talked to her about the friend situation. You see, when Jasmin first came here she was the toast of the town. Kids were calling her to hang out, she was asked on dates, she was going to lunch, and she was asked to the Christmas dance. After Christmas break everything came to a screeching halt. Not one friend has called her - and that is not an exaggeration. She has been my shadow and I have had to be her source of entertainment as she has no friends. I should back up though and mention that I told her several times to call people to hang out and she said no - that they should call her. So she definitely has the princess mentality going on. Anyway, I have been telling Cheryl this all through this semester- that I was worried for Jasmin and how she didn't have any friends and that I was worried that it was because of how she comes across - that when she first came people loved her but when the real Jasmin came out she lost all her friends in a hurry. We confronted Jasmin about this on Saturday and she flipped out. Lots of attitude came flying out at me across the table and many sighs and eye rolling. She told me I was wrong - that she had lots of friends but that she just chose to hang out with them at school only because she got her fill of them there - that Americans are sooooo superficial. I told her that she is the only 17 1/2 year old I know that doesn't want to see or do anything with friends on the weekends. At that time Cheryl mentioned that she should just pull Jasmin out of my house because of her very bad attitude. I pleaded with Cheryl to at least give Jasmin a week to change things around before she did that. While Jasmin has been a challenge to have in my home - I knew and still know that God brought her here for a reason and that her time here is not done yet. Cheryl agreed to that and took Jasmin home with her for the weekend. When I picked her up on Sunday Jasmin told me she wanted to stay in my home and was going to try really hard to change and make it work.

On Wednesday I came home from Young Life and Cheryl and Jasmin were waiting for me. Cheryl told me that Jasmin had confessed to her that she was indeed lying about the friend situation and that she doesn't have any friends here. She said she has a reputation of being a b**** at school and that she "isn't happy but not unhappy here." Cheryl then mentioned that she thinks Jasmin needs a fresh start with a new school and that she thinks she could get Jasmin into Clovis East. She wanted Jasmin to think about it and get back to her. I was floored at this point. Jasmin doesn't need a fresh start just so she can gain friends. She needs to learn how to change herself in order to be a better person instead of doing the quick fix of changing environments. Plus, Clovis East is almost three times the size of KHS, much harder academically, and I'm sorry, but I don't think she will be able to make friends there in the time allotted. She is a senior and transferring in with other seniors who are thinking about graduation in a few weeks is not a good idea. Plus, she will be taken away from the track team she made a commitment to, beginner Bible study she was doing every week with Jane, the church family she has come to know, Young Life she went to on a weekly basis and two YL trips she went on with money people generously donated, family obligations such as a wedding coming up, and giving up her host family here who she knew and was safe with. Cheryl said that Jasmin can find a new family by handing out fliers. To me that meant she would find any ol' family - and a quick fix. Jasmin said she would think about it.

On Thursday night I came home and reminded Jasmin that we were taking her to LA this weekend and that she needed to be packed and ready by 4 on Friday. At that point she told me that she had made up her mind and decided on Clovis East and that she didn't want to go to LA but take the weekend to put up fliers instead. At this point I was so frustrated that she made such a selfish decision - and I was very hurt. My family and I have bent over backwards for her providing her with free room and board, love, favors, rides, and several trips to different places in the US. Plus, I feel like the community of Kingsburg had really rallied around her - especially the YL leaders. And yet she was so indifferent about us and thought that possible friends were better. She also said she had talked to her parents and that they told her they wanted her to be happy and that she could move. On Friday Jasmin went and stayed with Cheryl for the weekend and put up fliers. Last night she came home and packed and she is moving out tonight and that will be that I guess. She will be staying with Cheryl's assistant Regina until she finds a home. Last night I told Jasmin for the last time how I felt like she was making the wrong decision. I told her that while I send her with my love that I hope that someday she looks back and realizes that change needs to come from one's self and that that is a lesson I am still learning myself. While I wish her no ill will, I do hope that she also looks back and realizes that she had it really good here.

Anyway, this has been hard for me to process. I really feel like a failure. I still cannot understand how she can just up and leave like it is no big deal. While Jasmin was a tough cookie, my main goal in keeping her, and what I had to continually remind myself - was that God sent her here for a reason. She is not a believer but is definitely seeking. I did all I could by living my faith out in front of her - as did all the other Believers in her life while she was here, and I also took her to YL and church. I just feel like she is leaving prematurely. My job is not done with her. Most of all I worry for her spiritually. She is a very lost girl who was asking great questions and (seemed to at least) soaking in all that she was learning here. What will become of her now? God is traveling with her, and as Hannah reminded me last night God will continue to fight for her, I think it is my control issues that are getting in the way here. It's not that Jasmin was my project or anything, but I did come to care for her and as a Christian I only wanted her to come to know Jesus as well. Perhaps she still will...God is just as much at Clovis East as He is here and He certainly doesn't need me to accomplish His will in her life.

Anyway, it will be weird saying goodbye to Jasmin tonight. Originally I had planned on throwing her a good-bye party in my backyard with my new deck at the end of the year and inviting everyone who had come to care about her in Kingsburg, but now things are different. It is a hard line to walk because I want her to know I care about her and that we can keep in touch - but that I do not condone or affirm this decision she is making. Ugh, I am just frustrated with Jasmin AND her organization who put this idea in her head in the first place. Also, I should mention here that her parents have not contacted me at all to ask my opinion or even say "goodbye." Weird!! I guess the Jasmin saga is coming to a close very rapidly... I ask that you keep her in your prayers.